Well, here I am on the eve of my coronat- uh, election. I'm reminded of all of those who have been so important to my efforts up till now. I feel I owe the following a huge debt:
White Women - As my father used to say, "I loves dem white womens!" You white women have voted for me in something of a landslide. I suppose it has something to do with you white women being so concerned about the security that I'm promising your families, and the protection I have to offer all of you in the middle class. Of course, most of you aren't really middle class. What is it about those rich white women that makes them think they aren't rich!? Shh! Don't tell them!
Bill Ayers - The man I never knew! Thanks for helping me kick-start my campaign, neighbor! I can't wait to invite you into the White House, but I'm still trying to figure out how to get people in here without being searched. As soon as I find that one out, you're in!
Rev Wright - Thank you, sir! I couldn't have done it without you agreeing to disappear for the last year! I appreciate you hiding out and keeping low for me. After tomorrow, go nuts! Oh, and the next time I'm in Chicago, I want to hear that sermon on the dangers of white robes on white skin! You remember!? The "White On White" sermon!?
Illegal Foreign Donors - A big thank you for all of the foreigners who did NOT illegally donate to my campaign. Thank you for NOT attempting to give me money, and NOT having it accepted without even simple address or name verification! Oh, and thank you for NOT repeatedly donating over and over!
There are so many more that I wish I could thank, but this will have to do for now! More to come!
I see that I have a few detractors. Please don't feel threatened. I am not running to divide America, but to bring Americans together! I am running for Hope! I am running to make America whole again.
Of course, once I'm President, you detractors will pay dearly for your tretchurytreatchurytreatchery unpatrioticness.
Ugh.
I am so sick of pretending... pretending to care about the blue-collars, pretending to be all things to all people. Ugh. I'm just sick of wearing this mask. I really can not wait until I'm crowned inaugurated, and I can get down with my thug-thizzle.
{BTW, props to Rev Wright for teaching me that thug-thizzle lingo}
My familie's feeling the pressure too. Just last night, we were camped out in our hotel room, and I had asked Michelle to refrain from ordering lobster or caviar through room-service, on the off-chance that some foxnews reporter would see it, and try to use of for leverage with the commoners. She blew up. Seriously, I've seen rabid fans that were more conducive to reason than she was. I'm starting to fear for her sanity.
Speaking of sanity, I have a need for more campaign operatives. We are at that crucial moment in our election, and I've got the majority of my staff working on destroying that WFTB (or whatever) reporter's husband (Can you believe that he's clean? It's getting so bad, we're going to have to make stuff up). And if you are a lawyer, we could really use your help, especially if you are experienced with campaign finance law, and how it pertains to illegal foreign donations. Got some bills that need to be hidden from the man.
If I can get enough help, I might just be able to take off an afternoon, and think up some details for this "change" platform I've been running on. I swear, it's easy to make it your campaign slogan, but when you get around to actually doing it, it becomes much easier to just pretend you're doing it. I speak from experience on this point.
I would have expected this kind of treatment from the Hillary camp, but HOW DARE this "reporter" compare my policies to those of Karl Marx!? This b---- has know clue! Does she know who I am!?
Anyone with half a brain knows that marxism entails redistributing wealth from the richer citizens, and giving it to the poorer citizens, while my plan merely returns to the poor what the rich stole from them! How dare she accuse me of being marxist!
I have every right to refuse to be asked these questions! I'm Barack Freakin' Obama. The seas part before me! I don't have to lower myself to these swine! I have bigger things to deal with!
She's lucky she was only banned from further interviews! If she had been dealing with me and not Biden, she'd be attacked like that idiot plumber Joe from Ohio.
You are pretty rude. You've invaded most people's blogs and you are hiding behind the name of a socialist, a liar and someone who will bring this country down further than can be imagined. Who are you really? Why don't you have the guts to show us who you really are?
